Care and Feeding of a Rational Mate
By DrLovegood on 04-24-2008
Rational men aren’t particularly interested in typical gender roles. Their masculinity is not threatened by a partner who does yard work, car repairs, or extreme sports. Often women find it hard to communicate their wants to their Rational mates. The key is direct, calm statements. Rational men are often oblivious to hints, and both of you will be happier if you communicate in plain English.
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Like Rational men, Rational women are often perfectly happy playing the hard-charging corporate player to their mate’s more domestic lifestyle. Because women are socialized differently from men, Rational women are much more likely than their male counterparts to catch hints and indirect communication. However, they still prefer clear statements.
Rationals tend to be the easiest on upkeep. Their wants tend to be few, and they generally place few demands on their mates. In fact, one of the biggest complaints about Rationals is that they are too independent and at times seem to neither want nor need anyone else. At times, most mates of Rationals wonder why the Rational wanted a relationship at all.
Sometimes Rationals can seem so self-reliant that a mate can wonder if they really have anything to offer. This tends to occur when the Rational is afraid of being openly vulnerable. They can maintain a façade of autonomy to hide how they really feel. However, they usually enter relationships precisely because they really do need other people.
The key to keeping your Rational happy is to provide support and a listening ear while not demanding too much. Offering shared activities including sports, sex, music and the like are also likely to be appreciated.
One thing virtually all Rationals need is time. They need uninterrupted time to work on whatever project has caught their mental eye. It is not uncommon for them to work until they drop, get a few hours of shut-eye, and then get up and keep working. This can go on for days, with the Rational surfacing periodically for food and family activities. During this time, they are likely to appreciate someone to bounce a few ideas off of. The best way a mate can help is to listen, keep them from being interrupted, and remind them of important commitments coming up.
An important thing to remember is that most Rationals are disgusted by emotional outbursts. A mate who cries, pleads, begs, yells, and throws things is very likely to cause the Rational to withdraw even more. A Rational can talk about almost anything if it is discussed in a logical, emotionally neutral way.
Another thing Rationals need is someone to listen and respond intelligently to them. This can be difficult if they are talking way beyond you. Ask questions so you can understand the background of what they’re talking about. Sometimes they forget that the other person doesn’t have all of the background knowledge that they do. Sometimes they may discuss things which turn out to be difficulties in relating to other people. This has to be handled very delicately. You can give opinions in a calm way but not judgments.
The bottom line with Rationals is to give them a lot of autonomy and intelligent conversation. Remember that they really do need you. Support your mate and they’ll give you mental stimulation, freedom, and visions of the future.
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Posted by seanchas on Apr 27, 2008
Ironically printing came to mind for me too ...there really is something to be said for the above article. |
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Posted by DrLovegood on Apr 29, 2008
I appreciate the feedback. I hope it helps in future relationships. Any Rational women want to comment? I have less data on them. |
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Posted by doctorgiggles99 on Apr 29, 2008
There are so many points that are so true in this above article that printing it out and posting came to my mind as well. It seems so simple to me. someone to listen that uses logic to make points in discussion... Why is that so complex? |
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Posted by Jaidys on Apr 29, 2008
Rational female here, as requested. I think the one thing I would add is the interplay between emotions and intellect. To me, intellectual connection IS emotional. This was a problem when my husband was so uninterested in my graduate studies that he wouldn't even read my papers unless I gave him the task of proofreading (he's a Guardian). To me it felt like he was telling me I wasn't worth his thought (translate: love). Luckily, he was willing to talk about it and see things from my perspective and will now patiently read and listen to my projects. It's not that I'm unemotional, my feelings just need to work through my thoughts before I get to them sometimes. This sort of thing has gotten me accused of being "such a guy" from other females, which is another rant for another time! |
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Posted by DrLovegood on May 1, 2008
Jaidys -- thanks for the feedback. I think most Rationals would feel like you did regarding your papers. The emotions/intellect connection makes sense. ..................................................... Dr. Giggles -- it's complex because it's not logical for most non-Rationals. |
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Posted by dian113 on Jun 20, 2008
Female INTP here. Your comment about Rationals being disgusted by emotional outbursts was right on the money. The bit about Rational women being better at picking up on hints and indirect communication was also perceptive. It often feels confusing being a Rational but with female social conditioning. Jaidys' comment about the interplay between the intellect and the emotions for Rationals really rang true for me. I'm currently in a relationship with a Guardian (God help me!) I didn't know he was a Guardian when we met or I probably would have run. He's a nurse by training so who would have expected him to be a Guardian? Before I learned about Myers-Briggs/Keirsey, I was sure that Guardians were put on earth specifically to drive me crazy. Now I don't take it so personally. |
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Posted by HungarianKate on Jun 20, 2008
INTJ female here. I have been "accused", by emotional, "feeling" men, of being cold and uncaring simply because I do not hover, give them space, and am not particularly fond of sentimental cards, and gifts of flowers and jewelry ( if you want to *really* excite me, purchase the power tool of my choice, a book on science theory, or a "how to" book-seriously). I have learned, through the years, to make a special effort to show emotion ( since it does not come naturally to me to do this) in emotional situations, because otherwise I get accused of "not caring". This; "They need uninterrupted time to work on whatever project has caught their mental eye. It is not uncommon for them to work until they drop, get a few hours of shut-eye, and then get up and keep working. This can go on for days, with the Rational surfacing periodically for food and family activities", is PARTICULARLY accurate for me. I'm doomed...;-) |
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Posted by jazahner on Jun 24, 2008
Female INTJ here. Perfect article--pages out of my diary, as it were. What Jaidys said about intellectual connection being emotional connection rings really true. INTJs are--what, 2% of the population? Among women, it's probably even smaller. The world is ready to tell us we're men in disguise simply because we aren't emoting all over the place. Doesn't mean we aren't passionate--as any INTJ on a roll with a project can attest! I get the 'uncaring' thing alot too, and it took me a lot of reflection and time in therapy to bring myself to a positive perspective. It's a double whammy for female INTJs to be called 'uncaring'--it aims directly at our gender/social self-understanding, so we have to confront it faster than male INTJs. I've learned to counter such comments as 'unfeeling', and 'logical' (as though it were an epithet!) by offering what INTJ females can be really good at: detached compassion, which means being present and receptive--and taking mental notes for future conversation/strategizing. An INTJ has to attend an emotional circumstance much as one goes to a play. We're never going to be in the midst of the drama, and in fact shouldn't be, if we're going to do the most good with our natural talents. An INTJ freaks out at emotional display because he/she thinks they have to DO something or get involved--either of which will cause us to disconnect. Reframe the drama of emotional experience as 'attending' it, and it becomes less daunting and opens the way for our natural talents for observation and strategizing to be useful. When you're feeling 'put down' for being an INTJ, just remember that the Buddha is probably our best mascot... |
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Posted by drmst33 on Jun 27, 2008
I am also an INTJ female...the article was very accurate DrLovegood. I think I might just have to print this artcle out also. Maybe men won't think I'm a cold, hard *... as they usually do if they actually understood why I approach dating and relationships the way I do. |
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Posted by everydayhero on Jul 1, 2008
I'm an Idealist Teacher, and yet I agree with Jaidys and HungarianKate when it comes to my emotions. I often hold them back and refuse to show them, especially when I don't understand them. And I absolutely HATE talking about my emotions, yet I'm never accused of being cold and aloof. I don't understand my emotions...but I feel them. I often feel like they hold me back at times. I also LOVE emotionally-detached, intelligent conversation. Is there any explanation for this? Can your emotions have a different personality? This article seems to express parts of my personality perfectly. |
Great description of this Inventor. I am going to print this out so that I can hand it out. It will save a lot of misunderstandings!