How to argue with a Guardian
The Fighting Series
By DrLovegood on 07-03-2008
With each temperament there is a wall which can’t be argued past. This wall brings an abrupt end to negotiations and a sense of futility to the other partner. It is important to attempt to avoid the wall whenever possible. With Idealists, it is important to know their values and work your way within and around them. With Guardians, it is important to avoid conflicts in principles. Principles are along the lines of, “I know this is right because it just is: because my religion backs me, history backs me, and/or common sense backs me.” It is easy for Guardians to get stuck on a principle and be almost completely unable to see anything other than their currently narrow position. The partner needs to be very imaginative and innovative to find ways to maneuver.
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Garth (Artisan Promoter ESTP) and his wife Katelyn (Guardian Protector ISFJ) had a new baby. Katelyn had spent a lot of time reading books on babies and how to raise children. Garth was great with the baby, but Katelyn felt that she was much more knowledgeable. When the baby was 6 months old, Katelyn couldn’t get him to go to sleep unless she went through a routine which took up to two hours. Garth told her to let the baby cry it out, something Katelyn thought was cruel. Besides, the books she read said babies couldn’t be held too much. Garth finally asked if she’d be willing to try an experiment. He’d put the baby down and go in every ten minutes to pat him until he fell asleep. He asked her to try it for three days. The first night, Katelyn went to her mom’s, and Garth called her every ten minutes. The baby cried for an hour. The next night, the baby cried for 20 minutes, and the third night he cried 5 minutes. After that, he seldom cried. Katelyn agreed to the experiment because it was limited to only three days, Garth was willing to do it, and he was also willing to make sure the baby didn’t feel abandoned, something Katelyn really didn’t want. Katelyn’s wall was her belief that she knew best on parenting and that it was cruel to let a baby cry.
Often proposing a trial or experiment can be a good way of helping the Guardian let go of their principle temporarily. It gives them a sense of control because the time period is limited and they get to go back to their principle if the trial is unsuccessful. The down side is that you get at most two tries at this one for any particular issue.
Another technique to getting past the wall is to find someone or some source your Guardian partner admires who agrees with you. This one takes time as the Guardian will need time to absorb the new information. If you are arguing about religious beliefs, you will want to spend a fair amount of time showing how much you do agree with them before turning to look at the area of disagreement. Otherwise, in fear, they may attempt to force you back into the fold. Then your whole argument gets lost.
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Posted by DrLovegood on Jul 5, 2008
You're right that Guardians respond well if someone they know and respect weighs on your side on a topic. That's an excellent technique to use. It seldom works well with Rationals and is likely to backfire. Artisans are dicey on this too. |
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Posted by doctorgiggles99 on Jul 12, 2008
sometimes they can be overly stubborn, and then there is no reason, or trial and error. What happens then? |
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Posted by DrLovegood on Jul 12, 2008
I've noticed with some Guardians that they stick to their answer because they can't see their way clear to any other decision. They don't like to make commitments they can't keep. If you back off, they often come to you after a day or two with a plan for getting you what you want. ............................. If you are talking about issues of belief system, that's harder. It helps tremendously if they understand that people are truly different from each other and are supposed to be that way. For some Guardians, learning type has made a big difference in how they view others as it gives them a framework for understanding others. |
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Posted by doctorgiggles99 on Jul 13, 2008
thanks, that is helpful. I had an ex gf that is guardian and we argued (i got yelled at) over the same three issues for about six months. She was literally "set in her ways" and not open to hearing my opinion or spin. again thanks, this article is very insightful. |
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Posted by LalaChan on Jul 15, 2008
yup, guardians are very fickle with arguments. my inspector guardian ex still refuses to try out a casual friendship, nothing big. His reason? "It just wont work." not even a try given. Oh well..can't be helped. |
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Posted by auntychris on Jul 21, 2008
I am one of those ISFJs for whom learning type has made a life changing difference. What Dr. Lovegood says is spot on...give us time and we will come up with something that will help you get what you want as harmony and helping others is what we do best. We need time to assimilate a new idea and to test against what we already know and do. Advanced warning about trying something different goes a long way. |
Oh my god loveGood. This is very accurate in my relations with Guardians, especially my dad who is an ISFJ. I constantly have to prove myself and often it doesn't work with just words. That would only work when he heard from someone else he respects and when that person agrees with me.