Marrying the Mirror
By DrLovegood on 02-21-2008
There are a lot of advantages to having a partner who is the same type you are. You have an instinctive understanding of each other’s thinking and ways of doing things. You are likely to have similar priorities. If you also share the same values, you are likely to get along uncommonly well. This kind of relationship is generally as easy to slip into as bath water, unlike the brisk awakening which comes from a relationship of opposites.
The difficulties come in several areas. One is competition, with each partner trying to outdo the other in terms of their type’s outstanding characteristics. For example, two Artisan Promoters (ESTP) might compete to each be more outrageous, daring, and conning than the other. Two Rational Architects (INTP) can easily have fights over who the true expert is in a particular area. And two Idealist Teachers (ENFJ) may end up with two teachers and no students. Reg and Linda are both Rational Fieldmarshals (ENTJ). Both are certain that their ideas are right. They regularly have loud, animated arguments as the debate the merits of each idea. When they agree, it is impossible to convince them that there might be a flaw in their logic.
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Another difficult is that both partners have similar strengths and weaknesses. Neither will have skill in a number of common weaknesses, causing potential battles over who has to do the jobs neither has skill in. Two Rational Inventors (ENTP) are very likely to end up in a filthy house with many things broken since neither likes to do maintenance. Two Guardian Protectors (ISFJ) will probably get taken advantage of regularly since confrontation is a weak area. Two Idealist Healers (INFP) will have a hard time deciding which are the relevant facts in making decisions, and two Artisan Performers (ESFP) might find it difficult to settle down as they jump from one thing to the next. John and Bernice, both INFP agonized over every decision they made. They found it much easier to make decisions when circumstances forced a choice. For example, they got married when they found out Bernice was pregnant. Their children just happened. Deciding on schooling for the kids caused extreme stress, but, eventually, they became more confident in their choices.
The third area is potentially the most dangerous, especially if the couple has children. Having the same personality type can cause constant reinforcement of some of the worst characteristics of that type. As an example, two Guardian Supervisors (ESTJ) are likely to encourage one another to set strict rules and to judge infractions harshly, something that is likely to cause many problems with others, especially children who are not Guardians. Two Artisan Composers (ISFP) can become ultra flaky. When one finally decides on something, the other is likely to play the “we don’t have all the information yet” card. Two Idealist Champions (ENFP) are likely to create a chaotic, emotional environment which can wreak havoc on children needing structure and emotional boundaries. Two Rational Masterminds (INTJ) may create a sterile environment, practically devoid of human emotion or touch.
A pairing where both partners are the same type works best when they are aware of the potential pitfalls and work to overcome them. Also, it is very helpful if they have strong skills in another temperament. Brent and Lydia are both Guardian Providers (ESFJ). Brent feels almost as comfortable as an Artisan as he does a Guardian and enjoys weekends with buddies testing the limits of their toys. Lydia was raised in a family of Rationals and Idealists and learned to value the power of the mind and belief in people. Together, they do a fantastic job of entertaining and actually have their own successful party planning business. They have a daughter who is probably a Rational. Lydia understands that she needs time to herself, but she can’t understand why the girl is so awkward socially and doesn’t even care. Lydia’s dad has told her to leave the girl alone, she’s just like he was.
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Posted by blaxicans on Feb 22, 2008
Man, the truth hurts! As an Inventor Rational, I am so fortunate my wife is not one, because my attention to details and daily maintenance is surely an area I can use VAST improvement. If my wife was the same as me, YIKES!!! |
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Posted by amyleeandthesea12 on Feb 22, 2008
I totally agree. I can't imagine being with another champion, we would probably fight over whose cause is the most pressing, debate constantly on our current theories of the universe and never get house chores done. My husband is a teacher, and although he is also an idealist, his scheduling nature comes to the rescue when I can't make up my mind and would rather philosophize than get things done. Meanwhile, where he lacks direction in life, I give us goals to pursue and am always encouraging him to follow his dreams. Both being extraverts we fumble over each other when talking to others, he gets a lesson in as I come right over the top with a contravertial side-point, followed by another fact by him in that category and then a call to action from me ...etc When with each other, we take it in turns sharing our latest ideas, his - more about facilitating our life, mine - more about things we could do to inspire us and bring passion to our lives. We make the perfect research team. I conjure up theories and direction of thought then he takes them and reads-up on them and teaches me the history, facts and related topics on the matter. This process allows us both to get what we want, he hears my cause and takes great interest in it so that he can later teach me about it as I become his student. When we have kids, we hope to identify their temperament early and parent accordingly - an idealist child would be easiest of course, with an artisan we would easily have fun and adventure but would have to make sure not to shove spirituality down their throat, though they may grow up a more enlightened artisan, I feel sorry for a guardian child, my husband's scheduling nature would be its lifeline, I may relate if they are a feeling guardian, and a rational child may think we are a silly and over-affectionate bunch but we at least give them food for thought. |
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Posted by DrLovegood on Feb 22, 2008
Amy -- I'll be talking about your situation soon: the advantages and disadvantages of marrying your own temperament. It is not necessarily in a child's best interest to have two parents who are very much like them. It often makes parenting easier (unless you get into a values conflict or a control issue), but the child doesn't learn as much about working with people of other types and temperaments. Also, determining the types of children is iffy at best. A reasonable degree of accuracy generally occurs after puberty or long after you have had the chance to do everything wrong. It's usually best to provide experiences for all four temperaments and see which your child is drawn to today or this year. |
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Posted by Yotsuya on Feb 22, 2008
*secretly pleased at being the only idealist type not mentioned* Now, I understand the issue of characters, but I am really interested in hearing more about the types. Can't wait for the next article! |
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Posted by KatieFarmer on Feb 23, 2008
Arrrgh! I hardly know where to start! Yes, I am that rara avis, a female INTJ. First, as a Rational and the nit-picky kind at that, I must point out that logic and rationality are not at all the same thing. A completely irrational (insane) person often is as logical as the day is long, doggedly loyal to his own perception of his universe despite all evidence to the contrary. Rationals tend to be highly creative, intelligent, and dynamic individuals. The last thing they would discuss would be a fault in logic. The mind-numbing path from A to B to C to infinity, is of little interest. With such creative and intelligent people usually comes a wonderfully wicked sense of humor and respect for the iane ironies of life. As we INTJ's really do not compete with other people, our discussions usually bear no heat and we love to discuss almost anything from any perspective. An Idealist like yourself can be forgiven for feeling we are arguing in the non-legal sense, what we are doing is having FUN! I am also the mother of two INTJ's. The pairing of two INTJ's would really be something I would like to hear about from both members of that couple. My hopes are not high as we are relatively sparce out here, but one can always hope. Personally, I have been "making do" with a delightful INFP Healer for over thirty-three years who doesn't mind that I decorate the house for every holiday on the planet. Sterile and dry is just not my thing, LOL! |
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Posted by LisaFairhurst on Feb 23, 2008
Katie, most of the Rationals I know (my husband INTJ, my brother INTP, for example) do argue faults in logic. Yes, there is a difference between being rational and being logical. However, the Rationals I've seen care about both. |
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Posted by KatieFarmer on Feb 23, 2008
Rationals discuss ideas amongst themselves for two basic reasons: inspiration and for the pure hell of it. Amongst ourselves, we simply do not care about consistency, logic, or much of anything else when making an argument and we love to make an argument from virtually any point on the compass. We are not wedded to our ideas or theories unless these ideas can prove themselves useful and if something better comes up, we'll toss that old theory out without a backward glance. Our feelings are not so much engaged as our minds. Discussions like this literally charge our batteries. Awful puns and word play often ensue. We are not looking for consensus, logic, or consistency, we are looking for the intuitive leap! Going from A to B to C, will simply not get us there. Most Rationals have been socialized enough not to get into such discussions with those who do not understand the rules of engagement. We do not enjoy hurting the feelings of others needlessly. We are the Devil's Advocates, not the gentleman himself. When others are nearby, our discussions change and the easy give and take of these exchanges suffers. A Rational without this sort of regular stimulation can find themselves lonely and depressed. Thank Keirsey for Please Understand Me. I have been married to a very sensitive Idealist for 33 years. I still do not truly understand his obsession with his inner feelings nor does he truly understand my constant need for mental stimulation. We succeed because we both try to be courteous and we take each other seriously -- from time to time :>) Thank you for the interesting discusion, Lisa. |
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Posted by DrLovegood on Feb 23, 2008
Whoops! Sterile is not the right word to use for Masterminds. That sounds too much like Veejur. The idea I was trying to get at is more like boring. For people who are not into the calisthenics of the mind, Masterminds can seem very boring. Katie -- it sounds like you're not boring either. However, I am talking about the possibility that two Masterminds would be more likely to push each other into boringness. From my understanding, for a Mastermind, one of the preferred matches is another Mastermind. As an Idealist, I'd worry about the kids if any of them aren't Rationals. |
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Posted by andert on Feb 24, 2008
I think that the Rational has to be careful not to bombard the kids with analysis. For a Guardian child the answer "because that's what everyone does" may be good enough. I'm an Architect married to a Mastermind with two kids and it seems to work out fine. I'm glad my wife's a Mastermind though and not an Architect because she's so good at planning things for them to do. Play with Daddy is unstructured to say the least. |
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Posted by FPrince on Feb 24, 2008
Thank you very much for this article. I am trying to improve my writing so hope this contribution is useful. I'd appreciate any feedback from readers and other examples of communication challenges related to temperament. I'm a Rational Inventor (ENTP) married to a Rational Architect (INTP). We both laughed at your observation that "Two Rational Inventors (ENTP) are very likely to end up in a filthy house with many things broken since neither likes to do maintenance". We have a cleaning service come in once a week to clean the house. We've tried to do it ourselves but it's very hard to tear either of us away from our intellectual pursuits (books and computers) or recreation (books and computers) to do something as mundane as cleaning the kitchen or getting those dust-bunnies from behind the furniture. We're both very capable of fixing things, and we do...we just do it in our own time. Your observation that "Two Rational Architects (INTP) can easily have fights over who the true expert is in a particular area" is not so true of us but probably because we make an effort to avoid this particular behaviour. We seek out and respect each other's opinions. Since we have a tendency to live in our own heads we've learned to check-in with each other frequently to make sure that everything is OK. I think this is possible because I'm a Communications Professional and my husband worked hard with counselling through his own communications issues in order to move from the IM/IT technical level to management and address past relationship issues (prior to our getting together). We're able to have meta-converstations about how we communicate and remain objective when there's a potential for conflict between us. PS. We collaborated on this response to your article. :-) |
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Posted by rational on Feb 26, 2008
"From my understanding, for a Mastermind, one of the preferred matches is another Mastermind. As an Idealist, I'd worry about the kids if any of them aren't Rationals." The first sentence is likely to be right, at least it is right in my case. The second, I think it depends on the INTJ´s parents, I mean, if the INTJ´s parents weren´t NT, then the INTJ would have some practise at dealing with other types, following that there wouldn´t be much to worry about a INTJ couple parenting no NT children. Thank you for the article. |
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Posted by DrLovegood on Feb 26, 2008
Fiona -- you and your husband have done exactly what I would recommend for two Rational Architects (INTP). If you choose different areas of expertise and don't encroach on each other, you can have a harmonious relationship. The only other thing needed is for each of you to respect the other's expertise which it sounds like you do. Keep it up! .............................. Pablo, I'd worry about the children of any couple who are the exact same temperament. I wasn't singling out Masterminds. And as you pointed out, those disadvantages can be overcome, allowing parents to adequately raise their children. The real problem comes when the couple ends up consciously or subconsciously believing their type is superior and all other types are inferior. I have seen this occur with unpleasant results for the children. The kids can and do overcome this, but it would nice if they didn't have to deal with it at all. Let's see what new problems I create with this post which will need fixing. :-) |
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Posted by Jaidys on Apr 14, 2008
While this is an old thread, I thought I would tell my own amusing story of mirror pairing... In college, another Inventor Rational and I became great friends, and with both of our Rational older brothers we made quite the group! This friend decided to pursue a relationship with me and while he was a wonderful friend, the interest was not mutual. One evening he asked me to take a walk, which didn't fool me in the least. He finally, and ungracefully, said "I just need to tell you that I love you." (Awkward pause) "So, did you you want a response to that?" "Nope." Rationals at their finest and strangest. We still keep in touch, and I only recently found out that he was my exact temperament. |
Thanks for this article Dr. Lovegood! I emailed a copy to my 19 year old son who is an idealist champion and who has an idealist champion girlfriend. I was especially interested in the examples. Please consider for a future project to post a chart showing strengths and weaknesses for all of the combinations of temperment pairs. Thanks again.