Personality Zone

Q&A with Dr. Lovegood

Dear Dr. Lovegood, 
I’m an Idealist Counselor (INFJ). I’ve done a lot of reading about choosing a mate. What I’ve read says that the best partner for me is probably a Rational. The problem is that I can’t stand Rationals. The ones I know are such arrogant know-it-alls. I’ve always been attracted to Guardians. Is it OK if I marry a Guardian or should I try to get over my feelings about Rationals? 

Dear Counselor, 
It’s better to marry someone you’re attracted to than to try and make yourself attracted to someone who irritates you. You can have a wonderful relationship with a Guardian. If you are attracted to Guardians, by all means follow that preference. It may happen that a Rational comes along and sweeps you off of your feet, but it’s more likely that you will find yourself choosing a Guardian. 

Temperament says that certain pairings are more likely to occur and probably to succeed. However, temperament theory says that good relationships can and do occur between all types. If a person has no idea where to look, temperament theory can give them idea of what they might like and who they might look for. If you already know what you want, follow your heart. Good luck! 
 

Dear Dr. Lovegood,  
I’m an Idealist Healer (INFP). My husband is an Artisan. I’m not sure what kind since he’s so changeable. I never know where I stand with him. I thought temperament theory was great. It helped me understand a lot about myself, my family, and my friends. I’ve had fun telling others about the theory and discussing what we are and talking about mutual friends. It’s been great. Then my husband asked about it (he’d seemed uninterested before). 

Here’s the problem. He started reading all of my stuff on temperament. Then he came and told me that the problem in our marriage is that he should have married a Guardian. He says that he wants to divorce me and find the ‘right’ woman and let me find the ‘right’ man. When I said I don’t want that, he said that I need to become more like a Guardian or he’ll leave. I know I should be more organized, and I’m a terrible housekeeper. Maybe a Guardian would be better for him. What do I do? 

Dear Healer, 
This sounds like a classic Artisan game of Blackmail. Temperament theory does not even suggest that there are ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ types for each person, much less say that people might want to break off a relationship simply because of type. 

The best way to deal with Blackmail is to call his bluff. Tell him that you are willing to learn some new skills (if you are), but you are not and will not become a Guardian. Then leave the decision in his court. If he actually goes ahead and gets a divorce, you will be better off in the long run. What is more likely to happen is that you will have called his bluff. However, since he has admitted that there are problems, use that as leverage to talk or get counseling.