The Parent Series

The Parent Series

By DrLovegood on 05-01-2008

The parent-child relationship is the one where the tensions between different personalities can be most clearly seen. When we make friends or choose a partner, we are developing a relationship between equals. The parent-child relationship is hierarchical, with much more clearly defined roles for each. You can break up with friends or lovers, but you generally can’t divorce your parents or your children. Because parents and children are stuck with each other, the battles can be devastating, particularly for the children. There’s an old joke which says that children and grandparents get along so well because they have a common enemy.

One thing which I believe causes a lot of problems between parents and their children is that parents feel a certain amount of ownership or responsibility for their children’s actions. This can be good when a parent realizes that their behavior has contributed to their child’s problems. Most of the time, though, it simply causes a humongous tug-of-war. The parent cajoles, pleads, demands, and threatens to get a child to behave the way they want them to. The child rebels, becomes passive-aggressive, or outwardly complies. If the child will not comply, the parent feels guilt, anxiety, and anger. This can lead to the classic rejection: “No child of mine would ……”

Temperament theory is a huge help so that parents can understand why their children act the way they do. The child’s behavior may have absolutely nothing to do with parenting, either good or bad, and may be simply a function of the way they were born. Parents who understand temperament can help their children develop the way they were meant to be. It can make parenting a much more relaxed and enjoyable affair. It can also help children understand why their parents behave the way they do and how to best communicate with their parents.

For the next several weeks, we’ll be looking at the different kinds of parents and exploring what makes them tick. For now, let’s look at sometimes funny ways to identify the kind of parent a person is.

Type of Parent à	Guardians	Artisans	Rationals	Idealists
Preferred form of Discipline	Rules and Consequences	School of Hard knocks	Logical Consequences	Do we have To?!?
Favorite thing to do With child	Read books	Wrestling/ Tickle games	Building/ Experiments	Hugs/ Craft projects
Children need to learn	Discipline	To be flexible	To think	Who they are
Would be most upset if Child cut from	Honor Society	The Team or The play	Chess Club	Earth Club
Reaction if child made A touchdown	Boom Sticks	Air horn Or small nuke	What Touchdown?	Tears
Reaction if child Being bullied	Talk to Authorities or Tell child to Wait it out	Teach child To beat the Snot out of The bully	Teach child Verbal Comebacks	Sue everyone!
Want child to grow Up to be	Member of Congress	Terrorist	Mad Scientist	Cult Leader

Posted by Pat on May 1, 2008

The grandparent and child having a common enemy is more generational than temperamental, though. I can see it in my own family. My daughters, reared in the late 60s and early 70s by someone who was slowly liberating herself and wanted the kids to be independent, are rearing their children in the 2000s to the same simple, straightforward, strict, and no-debate-permitted standards in which my parents reared me! Or check out Rhett Butler pointing out to Scarlett that their kids and their parents would both get on well, but they'd really be appreciated by their grandchildren. Running the numbers, said grandkids would be flappers and sheiks, classic Lost Generation - oh, you bet they'd appreciate a pair of rascals like Rhett and Scarlett! Come to think of it, so would my daughters.

Posted by Keillan on May 2, 2008

I think of the four items of wanting a child to grow up and be, Member of Congress is the scariest. :-P Another good article.

Posted by JackDermody on May 2, 2008

This series has potential for HIGH usefulness!! Thanks. I hope you'll include communicative give-and-take with young people, especially teenagers. It's one thing to understand, for example, that your 15-year-old is an Artisan, and quite a challenge still to skillfully parent the child -- steering the child away from drugs, STDs, unnecessary risk-taking, an early death, and, well, jail! I have an Artisan teenage relative in my life who scares the hell out of me even saying she'll be visiting me soon. Sigh.

Posted by LalaChan on May 3, 2008

I'm an ENFJ living with my single parent ENFP mom...she's very lazy and always says she's going to do things like get a job. Never does it. She punished me unless I did something that gave her an excuse not to. Like, she'd send me to my room to await spanking..but since I was so good about it I got let off. She did pick on me a lot though because I was a very trusting child and I'd fall for it EVERYTIME. ( I don't trust her anymore when she gets that look in her eye) But she'd always show great pride whenever I made even the smallest accomplishment. She's still very immature though..we both have qualities that make us want to just be kids a lot of the time..thats when we clash. She acts as more of a friend than a parent.

Posted by DrLovegood on May 4, 2008

Pat -- I agree on the generational thing. ............................. Keillan -- exactly how I feel about Congress! ......................................... Jack -- At this point, the series focuses on types of parents, not types of kids. I'll add a series for communicating with the kids. Just remember that I only know slightly more than you do (if that) on dealing with teenagers. My attitude is to enjoy them, be amused by them, and run like the wind when needed. .................................... Lala -- You are wise to recognize that look in your mother's eye. Your type is more naturally responsible than your mother's, especially given what you've told me. You will need to be careful not to end up parenting her. Just remember that she got along before you were born, and she'll get along after you leave.

Posted by Jaidys on May 4, 2008

So, about parents... How do I avoid the ire of my in-laws, both Guardians, when I don't produce my expected 2.4 offspring? I'm pretty certain they still think I was joking about not having kids (I probably could have picked a better time than the extended family christmas to make my stand). We had a tense moment about that subject just this weekend, and once we pass the second anniversary I'm sure it will only get worse. Any advice which doesn't include me mouthing off to the MIL? She tried reasoning with me that if she hadn't had a baby I wouldn't have had my husband. At that level of logic, I think anything I could say would sound disrespectful. How do I survive the holidays?

Posted by LisaFairhurst on May 4, 2008

Jaidys, you'd probably be best off having your husband talk to his parents and tell them to lay off. Personally, I think her argument is kind of funny. I'd be tempted to say that I would feel sorry for the baby girl or boy who won't get a spouse because I'm not having a baby, but, wait, maybe those potential parents decided not to have a kid too, so it all evens out. ...................................... My husband I were married over 8 years before we had our first. That was our choice, and I made sure my Guardian parents knew up front that we didn't intend to have any kids. I'm not quite sure how we ended up with three....

Posted by RandyParent on May 5, 2008

Wow. This doesn't capture me as a rational/mastermind (INTJ) parent. Here's what I prefer: Favorite thing to do: sports and hugs Children need to learn: passion and diligence Would be most upset if child cut from: team or play Reaction to touchdown: celebrate, hug child and tell all my friends Reaction to being bullied: partner with child to figure out how to make it stop and then take those steps Want child to grow up to be: independent, secure, loving person - employed in something that appeals to them and allows them to make a living. Successful in chosen profession - doesn't matter what it is.

Posted by DrLovegood on May 7, 2008

Randy -- the list was meant more as entertainment, appealing to caricatures. I'm glad to see that you are more well-rounded.

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