Handling Helicopter Parents – Those Who Hover
By CollegeAdvisor on 05-06-2008
Many commuter students and even some who live on campus find that their parents are not willing to let them grow up. Some parents even show up on campus when their students are meeting with an academic advisor. The student is not allowed to talk and the parents make all the decisions. This behavior is more likely to happen with female students, but even some male students are afflicted with these over-controlling parents. This behavior can come from many potential sources.
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Fear: Our society sends out a lot of messages about how dangerous life is—especially after 9/11. Reports of drug or alcohol abuse, rape and murder get a lot of media coverage when they are associated college life. The student needs to take the time to show the parents what the campus is doing to safeguard against these issues. This may be enough to help the parents relinquish some control. Guardian parents are the most risk-averse and most likely to have these kinds of fears.
Concern: Concern is a milder form of fear. Idealist parents and some Guardian parents may show this low-grade discomfort. Issues of concern may also be associated with culture or socio-economic class. Students who are the first in their family to attend college or whose parents are not native-born often have to spend time educating their parents about the new situation. The parents may never understand completely, but if their concerns are taken seriously and responded to, they are more likely to relax their hovering behavior.
Control: The least likely of all parents to want control are the Artisans and Idealists. But Guardian parents want the student to fit with the world they understand, and Rational parents want to ensure that the student becomes competent. Often these parents see the student as an extension of themselves, and don’t want to be shamed. This is the most difficult of situations for students. Often the academic counselor may refer the student to psychological counseling so the student can get support. Control issues cannot be solved quickly or easily.
Students can try handling Helicopter parents on their own, but if the situation isn’t resolved, they need to determine what is motivating their parents, and then speak to an academic counselor or psychological counselor about the issue. Colleges have many resources to help the student, but they won’t be brought into play if the student doesn’t inform someone about the problem.
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Posted by LisaFairhurst on May 7, 2008
My parents are both Guardians. One thing they did right was that they let me be an adult. Yes, my mom was concerned, and yes they both gave me tons more advice than I wanted or needed, but the bottom line was that they no longer attempted to use their authority. Of course, being typical Guardians, I got kind of a mixed message. The first was, "We trust you and know you'll make good decisions for your life." The second was, "If you don't do it our way, you're wrong." However, I was very grateful that they were essentially hands-off once I went off to college at the age of 17. I'm 44 now, and my dad still tries to tell me what to think at times. It's kind of funny since he also tried very hard to raise me to be an independent thinker. (So what do you want, Dad? For me to have my own mine or yours? His answer, Yes.) |
Very good article. On a somewhat unrelated subject, a New York Sun columnist recently wrote about how she let her 9 year old son ride the subway alone, and some people responded very angrily, some even saying it was illegal and she should have her kids taken away and had to show up on many TV and radio shows to justify her rationale. Perhaps this is my TP speaking, but the very thought a parent would sacrifice their child's independence for their own personal gratification and worry is sickening to me. The parents that start out doing this end up having kids that know nothing about how to take care of themselves adequately; they're the type of parents you describe and have the utmost sympathy for their kids, who will get the cold shoulder and have to get used to reality quickly. You have a pretty good article. One thing though; I think the thing about Rationals willing to get control to ensure their kids' competence seems more NTJ to me. I would prefer my kids be competent, but my job as a parent is to prepare them for the real world and to make sure they're independent, not to fit them into my own vision or view of how they should be. By the time they're off to college, I shouldn't be an authority figure, preferably even before.