Do Opposites Attract or Attack?
By DrLovegood on 02-14-2008
Any type can have a successful romantic relationship with any other type. Any pairing will have difficulties, and type makes it easy to predict problems each pairing will face. We’ll be looking at a number of different pairings which can occur along with the advantages and disadvantages of each. A successful romance depends more on non-type-based factors, such as maturity levels, goals, values, culture, religious beliefs and similar issues that it depends on the types of the people in the romance. However, understanding type is generally very beneficial to relationships.
Most of the time, people are attracted to people similar to themselves but with some different characteristics that can compensate for their weaknesses. All the same, some people find themselves attracted to their exact personality opposites. These relationships have an extremely high learning curve, and many can’t make the curve. If the couple can learn to communicate effectively, their relationship is likely to be very powerful.
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With most opposite pairings, one person will end up doing more of the work to keep the relationship going, generally because the partner will be more naturally satisfied. In Idealist Teacher (ENFJ) – Artisan Crafter (ISTP) and Idealist Counselor (INFJ) – Artisan Promoter (ESTP) pairings, the Idealists will spend more time working to understand their Artisan partners as they strive to find ground for intimacy. Similarly, Rational Inventor (ENTP) – Guardian Protector (ISFJ) and Rational Architect (INTP) – Guardian Provider (ESFJ) pairings will likely have hardworking Guardians supporting their mates’ needs to create systems and inventions.
When people are attracted to their temperamental opposite, they are often attracted to certain things the other does that they don’t do well. We’ll examine one pairing. Kory, an Artisan Performer (ESFP) was drawn to Christa, a Rational Mastermind (INTJ) because of his admiration for her orderly mind and life and deep thinking. In turn, she was drawn to his vivacious optimism and living life large. In the short term, this mutual admiration society worked quite well. Christa appreciated sincerely given respect while Kory enjoyed loosening her up a bit.
In the long term, the differences tend to become more and more insufferable. Kory’s slap dash way of doing things irritated, money problems escalated, and Christa felt hemmed in by his demand for constant attention. Kory began to wither from a lack of praise, wondering what was wrong with the now cold-hearted lover who had been so warm.
In order for this relationship to work, both partners need to understand their own needs and the needs of their partner. The warring needs between a Mastermind and a Performer are the Mastermind’s need for long periods of time to do thinking work and the Performer’s need for constant admiration. If they want to make a go of it, the Mastermind will need to learn to provide lots of admiration, and the Performer will need to learn to allow the partner a lot of space and to seek admiration from other appropriate sources during those times.
Fortunately, Performers generally understand a desire for freedom from constraints. While Kory still felt hurt, he realized that Christa wasn’t rejecting him; she just needed time to think by herself. Christa realized that Kory could not get enough praise, so she made sure to say something upbeat and positive every day. She told Kory that she needs time alone but that she also needs to relax and play to bring out her best work. Kory was much happier when he figured out that she really needed him. He was able to back off some and give Christa more space. In turn, Christa felt freer to express her appreciation of him.
If the two can find ways to get their needs met both in and out of the relationship, their partnership can not just survive but thrive. If they have children, those children will be exposed to a wide variety of human behaviors just in their own household. The children will be more likely to grow up to accept people as they are.
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Posted by RandyParent on Feb 15, 2008
I'm really glad to see this topic. Similar to Kory and Christa, I am an INTJ and my wife is an ENFP -- same temperments but switch the sexes. We've been married for 26 years. A part of the initial attraction was I thought she was a lot of fun and I think she admired me. The experience described for Kory and Christa is similar to ours. I have had to work at being a better listener for her even though I wish she would be more concise. She still gets frustrated that I don't naturally share lots of details and feelings. If I ask her about her day, she gives me an essay -- I hear in detail about every conversation and little event. When she asks me how my day was, I tend to answer with a sentence or maybe a short paragraph. She has had to accept the fact that I cannot be all things for her all of the time, and she needs to cultivate and look to friends for some of her emotional needs. When she blows the budget or is late, I have learned to sigh and roll my eyes instead of asking her if she is retarded or something... I think it would be helpful as part of this series of articles to provide a list for each pair of opposite temperments. The list co9uld include Likely Problem Areas and Suggestions for handling them, and likely Strengths and suggestions on how to capitalize on them. |
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Posted by RandyParent on Feb 15, 2008
Whoops -- I had a typo. My wife is an ESFP, not an ENFP... |
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Posted by RandyParent on Feb 15, 2008
My son and his girlfriend are both idealist champions. What problems arise for couples who are identical. I hypothesize that they get along well, but their weaknesses are magnified because they cannot compensate for each other's weaknesses. I hope you address this in a future blog. |
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Posted by Keillan on Feb 15, 2008
My wife and I are rather similar to the referenced couple, where I'm an INTP Architect and she a ESTP Promoter. We only recently determined her type, so I feel that I'm learning about her for the first time. I'm begining to see her need for attention and being lavished, while I think she knows of my need for alone-time, even if she isn't happy about it. I think that knowing how our temperaments work is beneficial as it can, at least in my case, give me the freedom to act on my needs without feeling that I am somehow denying her needs. Knowing where to draw boundaries is helpful when you know what both sides are. |
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Posted by maxieb on Feb 15, 2008
Interesting article. I will underscore the need for different temperaments to succeed, there has to be a great deal of understanding from both parties. Often this becomes too much work and the person doing most of it, gives up. It is just too much to keep the relationship going. The initial attraction wears thin and can easily turn to irritaion and insecurity on one or the other partner's part. Been there, done that! |
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Posted by DrLovegood on Feb 17, 2008
Randy -- your hypothesis about what happens when two people of the same type get together is basically correct. I will be addressing this in a future column. Regarding a chart or something similar to explore all possible combinations: it would be impossibly large and unwieldy and also BORING for most non-Rationals. ...................... Judy -- what you ended deciding was a good match is a common choice. Future columns will be looking at why it's so popular. ............................ Maxie -- As Keillan said, understanding personality type can really help with boundaries. It gives you a better idea of what the other person really can and can't do and also what you can and can't do. And you are right that only mature people both willing to work pretty hard can make a real go of opposites. |
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Posted by Javier74 on Mar 7, 2008
I strongly agree with this here column by the fine Dr. Lovegood. Do please keep the series of exploring "matching" and "Disspaired" personalities. An article maybe suggesting renforcement areas and another on "paths" to undertake with the partner in "prototipic" situatiosn would be rather helpfull. I do know you can't "taylor" everything to our personal needs, culture, economic tatus, etc, but a simple "maybe do this, or try that" might help a lot of us "plain" people out here to figure an idea or two we've missed or not "gather up" yet. Again, keep this great work up, thanks and God Bless! |
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Posted by Antares on Apr 8, 2008
My last relationship with an ESFP didn't end well; and I was never really attracted to him. I'm more attracted to those of my own temperament, especially ENTPs. |
Opposites definitely attract - through college I was always attracted to artisan guys. They were more exciting and entertaining than any of the "geeky" guys that most of my classes were full of. But after a couple of years out of school, I felt pretty stagnant in my then relationship (ESFP Performer). He was the life of the party, and a lot of fun, but it didn't feel satisfying. Our conversations didn't run very deep, and in reality I'd rather curl up with a book than go to most parties. Eventually I found a great idealist match - an ENFJ Teacher. He satisfies my "opposite" need - he's very outgoing, but we have a lot more to talk about than past relationships offered - we can have long discussions about ideas and possibilities. He likes to read as much as I do, and is willing to give me plenty of space to be myself, but he does get me out of my introverted space to have fun.