Personality Zone

Introduction

Fair Fighting Series

Disagreements and even fights are a virtually inevitable part of all romantic relationships. Sometimes during the initial flush of love, couples don’t fight and practically don’t even disagree. This can’t last. Even if two people are the same personality type, they see things differently. 

A good part of a relationship operates kind of like our eyes. Each eye can work independently, but eyes work better when they work together. When the eyes do work together, a person has depth perception and a much wider field of vision. Just like our eyes, our relationships can work synergistically with the two people working together better than the sum of each working alone. 

In order for a relationship to work synergistically, the people have to learn how to handle differences in perspective. Like the old fable about the blind men describing an elephant, couples often see the same thing very differently. Combining the perspectives gains them depth perception and a wider view. 

Sublimating one person’s view in favor of the other’s is necessary at times, but not ideal. Only when couples can find a shared view does synergy take over. 

Temperament can go a long way towards explaining the differences in perspective and what each person has to offer the relationship. Instead of trying to remake the other into a cheap imitation of ourselves, we are trying to learn how to appreciate and even nurture the things which make us different. Even when we truly believe the other person is dead wrong, it is important to find the grain of truth which is motivating the person. 

Idealists are generally the best at entering into another person’s reality, at least in part. They tend to have problems in two basic areas, that of failing to stay true to themselves and demonizing the other person because of a values conflict. Rationals often can’t see why they should care about another’s reality except on a theoretical level. When they do care, they tend to feel very inadequate, an especially unpleasant feeling for Rationals. Guardians can have a hard time understanding that people really do see things differently. Once they can get to the point of seeing that the differences are good, most of them appreciate being taught. Artisans have no problem understanding that there are differing perspectives. They are often able to use and even exploit these differences. However, most Artisans have only a limited ability to truly enter fully into another’s perspective. 

An important point to remember is that winning an argument often has little to do with the words spoken but a lot to do with nonverbal communication. Everyone wants to be loved and respected. If you are arguing with your mate and you hate or despise them, it is unlikely that they will be able to hear any words you say. The only thing they will get is that you can’t stand them, which isn’t conducive to a good relationship. Make sure that the words you choose to use in your arguments and your nonverbal communication affirm the relationship and affirm their value to you along with your respect for their abilities. 

This next series will be looking at combinations of perspectives and rules for fair fighting with a lover of each temperament.