Love Zone Marriage Question
By LisaFairhurst on 06-29-2008
I’m an INFJ married to an INTJ. Our marriage is different from hers in several important ways, although there are tons of similarities. First, I was madly in love with my husband when I married. I gather she wasn’t. Second, we have a great sex life. Third, my husband used to be physically and emotionally abusive. So, two positives and one negative.
My husband has Asperger’s Syndrome (kind of a high functioning autism). We didn’t know this until a few years ago. Before that, about 6 years ago, I finally realized that he was never going to meet my emotional needs. He can’t. In one sense, that’s true of all spouses – their ability to meet your needs is limited. However, this was way beyond that. I had thought I was marrying my best friend, my soul mate. Instead, I married a man with the emotional range of a turnip. (I think most INTJs have a slightly wider emotional range.)
When I realized that he simply could not be there for me emotionally, my dream died. I grieved. For a while, I was attracted to every man who seemed the least bit kind, even radio voices. At first I felt embarrassed by that, but I realized that I had a legitimate need that was not being met.
So what was I to do? My husband and I have always believed marriage is a life sentence with only a few exceptions. We have three children, two of whom are autistic. I’ve done enough research to know that divorce causes life long harm to children. If parents can manage to stay together for the sake of the children, that is a good thing, as long as they can do it without constant loud fighting.
I was determined to make things work with my husband if I could. The main problem was his abusiveness. He got help and eventually overcame most of his anger issues. But there was still the issue of my own needs. I need emotional support and he can’t give it. Now what? I turned to God, to my mother, and to my girlfriends for emotional support. Most of the time, it works out very well. Only occasionally do I feel that aching emptiness inside.
I like my husband. He’s a great provider, a good sport, hysterically funny, and a fun bed partner. Our marriage is better than it’s ever been. I’ve stopped demanding what he can’t give which has removed a great source of strain. (As a side note, he told me for years that he could be emotionally there for me except that he hadn’t tried very hard. Typical Rational – he’d rather be thought stubborn and unkind than incompetent.) We’re happy, and so are the kids.
So what’s my message in this? Stay with your husband if at all possible. Find other ways of getting your needs met without compromising the marriage. If you really can’t live with him, separate but make arrangements to keep seeing each other regularly. My husband and I actually lived apart for 5 years, but he came home on weekends and went on vacation with us. If we hadn’t separated, he would not have had the motivation to deal with his anger problems. We’ve been back together for over 3 years.
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Posted by LisaFairhurst on Jun 29, 2008
Pat, for years everyone thought I was the bitch and my husband was the saint. He always seemed so reasonable, and I seemed so out of control. He was passive-aggressive. He would agree to do something, and then when we were in a public place and I had no alternatives, he would refuse to do what he'd agreed to. He always came out smelling like a rose. For years, I wouldn't go anywhere important with him publicly so I couldn't let him get the better of me. I was so tired of looking like a crazed hysteric. This might explain some of your children's issues if you had similar reactions to me. |
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Posted by Pat on Jun 30, 2008
Right. When I first sought out a marriage counselor, I was terrified of being told I was crazy, neurotic, overreacting - duH! Memory came up- I sought her out over workplace troubles! (Which happened to me twice; maybe there IS something wrong with me?) and burst into tears when she said I wasn't crazy, I was being emotionally abused. [Memory overlay: or was it the workplace troubles that came second? Good heavens - that was 20 years ago. Senility creeps in.] Speaking of passive-aggressive - one of his things was to promise to do something and not say when. Months would go by and he wouldn't do it and would explode when I asked for a date on the job.IF I hired a pro he'd howl "I SAID I'd do it, didn't I?" BUT - If I promised at 5:30 on Friday night to do something as soon as business hours started, I'd be nagged about it from then till 8am Monday. His parents never kept their word about anything; that's why. Just a clue there. But yes, I think you're right. Also differences in child rearing philosophy. If they forgot their sandals going to the pool (frex), I'd have them hot-foot it across the sidewalk as natural consequences. He thought that was incredibly cruel. He'd carry them across and them yammer at them forever about it. I told him that taught them to focus on how the people in authority would react to their mistake, not how to correct it. Like speaking Martian to someone from Uranus. (Yeah. Pun intended.) I think that may be a Guardian/Rational thing. |
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Posted by LisaFairhurst on Jun 30, 2008
I understand the relief when you were told you weren't crazy. I remember my husband coming home from his Christian men's group and telling me that the men thought I was horrible. One of the men started to counsel him privately. After a while, this man finally said, "She is more righteous than we are!" He'd finally seen thru my husband's nonsense. To my husband's credit, he was the one who told me this. I'm sure you can imagine the relief I felt since I had gotten to the point that I really was wondering if it was all just me. Besides the abuse issue, I told my husband that he was literally driving me insane. I couldn't trust my own instincts because of how good he was at undermining them. ................................... On the passive-aggressive side, I told my husband that he had to take anger management classes or we were thru. He didn't, so I kicked him out. He agreed to go but whined and whined that I hadn't given him enough time (over two months). Yeah, right. Three years into our separation, he went completely off the deep end. He called it a mid-life crisis. I called it terrifying. He asked if I was afraid of him and couldn't figure out why I was. Then he asked if was afraid because he'd threatened to get a gun and kill us all. When I said yes, he said he hadn't meant it. His mom said he was too lazy to have done it. That simply wasn't comforting. .................................. I know this makes my husband sound like a loon. He was in certain areas (me too), but he always provided for us. He's a good man who had a problem. During the last 3+ years, he's had a few outbreaks, but they have radically decreased in frequency and intensity. At this point I seldom need to run interference. That's a real relief. I have to manage the emotional lives of 3 autistics in our family (husband/2 sons). It's very tiring at times. |
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Posted by Pat on Jul 1, 2008
3 years - that's how long it took mine to realize, really, that it wasn't just a whim or a fluke on my part or something he could correct by urging me to come back; that I meant it. A wife leaving was SO outside his value system - but he's in Denver now and has a girl friend who appears to be real (shorthand for "I like her?") and they seem to be happy. I tell people "I'm not mad at him. We just couldn't live together." His status with me? Like a relative, less than blood but more than inlaw. As the father of my children, I think that's accurate enough. |
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Posted by unders on Jul 10, 2008
Hey Lisa, I think its is very strong and brave of you that you can treat your husband in such a mature and loving manner. I'm not married, and probably won't for a while, so I cant say i know much or how hard it is too be married. But, I came from a family of divorces parents who were very verbally abusive to each other. Frankly, I cant even image myself being able to have a good marriage. Also, being a rational, i can be emotionally-blind sometimes. Although i try to work on that. I really think it's a great accomplishment what you have achieved with your husband, and your children as well. =) |
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Posted by unders on Jul 10, 2008
Also, I agree with you that reason doesn't lead to emotionally secure or mature... |
Bless you. My ex was verbally abusive and his notion of emotional support consisted largely in telling me there was no need to feel that way, I shouldn't feel that way, so stop it. I was turning into a screaming, touchy, half-mad (in both senses!) angry hysteric and walking out was the best thing I have ever done. I did so after the children were grown. I asked their permission. They said they'd been expecting it for the past ten years. I should probably save this for the love column, but why are they now closer to him than to me when he dumped on them as well? Why did they ask ME to stop fighting with him when it was plain (and he admitted it!) that he defined fight as starting from the first word out of my mouth? Even (the example I used) "Hey. you're on my toes, please get off?" Why do they think he cares and I don't, except that he micromanaged like a sitcom mother-in-law. Is it a temperamental thing? (The older is ISFJ; the younger is some brand of SP like her husband) and why did the older ask me, bitterly, to "at least pretend you're her mother?" (Uh - no way you'd know any background on that. Sorry.) I'm a happier and much better person for having left him - both mentally, emotionally, physically, and even in the realm of competence in everyday things. But these questions still bother me. (As for the Asberger's thing: it's quite possible we both have a touch of it. I read Liane Holliday Willey's autobiography and it could have been mine on another timeline. As for him: he also had a domineering, verbally abusive E-J father who was proud of reducing front-line clerks to tears when he was displeased, as if he'd never heard of picking on someone your own size. Also, my ex is totally impervious to reason when he thinks something shouldn't be the way it is. I think realizing that was the last straw. What causes that?)