Talking with Teens
By LisaFairhurst on 05-10-2008
When you think about it, most people are able to carry on a conversation with a child. Even most Rationals can do it. But when it comes to teens, huge anxiety and awkwardness hit. Why? I think it’s because we instinctively realize that they aren’t children any longer. When they were children, we had a lot of control over them. That control slips away fast in the teen years. This is very scary for parents and other adults.
As a teacher, one of the biggest problems I see is that parents care too much about the choices their children make. I know that sounds counterintuitive, so let me explain. Parents often put a lot of emotion and strong opinions into their communication. The teen tends to feel smothered. If they do what the parent wants, they may not find out what they really want or need. If they don’t, they’ll never hear the end of it from their angry parents who will then attempt to gain more control over them. Parents are often acting out of fear and anger. They are afraid of what will become of their teen, and they are angry that the teen is dissing the family. Fear and anger are not a good basis for a relationship.
An important thing to remember is that you are not in control. Your teen is. They control their lives the same way you control yours (granted, of course, that you never did the awful things they do). As a teacher, I find so many students hungry for an adult who believes that they are adults. They don’t quite believe it themselves, and growing up scares them, so they need people who will treat them as young adults yet still provide support. If you relinquish control (which you don’t have anyway), you are also not responsible for the consequences. This can really take a load off.
Asking questions is often the only way to get information out of your teen, but you have to be careful that you ask neutral questions whenever possible, such as, “How’s that homework going?” rather than “Have you finished all of your homework yet?”
Guardian teens tend to be the most likely be ‘good.’ However, many of them choose a different culture, group, or society to become part of. This new association may not be acceptable to the parents. Parents may wish to explore long term goals with their teen to determine if the new group fits with what their teen wants in the long run. Often parents will think that they’ve made no impact only to find out later that the Guardian thinks about what was said and takes appropriate action. Remember that part of growing up is choosing your own group.
Artisan teens tend to be the most visibly rebellious. The most important thing to remember is, DO NOT LECTURE! They don’t hear it, it doesn’t change their behavior, and it just makes you madder. Bargaining with them often works. If they don’t hold up their end of the bargain, implement the consequence without comment. For example, if they come home after curfew, snag the car keys (or whatever it is you’ve agreed on). Do not say anything. If your teen argues, say that you will not accept argument until the agreed upon time is up. Most Artisans view direct commands as challenges. Do not issue a direct command unless you know that your teen will comply.
Idealist teens long to be intimately known. The more they believe you care about them personally, the fewer disagreements you are likely to have. If you can get your Idealist teen to talk to you, take advantage of every moment you can. It will pay huge dividends. It is important that you allow them to feel and be whatever they are feeling and being. Make sure any rules don’t impinge upon their right to be true to themselves.
Rational teens can seem very stubborn to parents. They aren’t rebellious as much as simply implacable. When talking with them, appeal to their ability to reason. Doing this shows that you think of them as rational adults. Avoid any hint of telling them what they should think or believe. They must develop these things on their own. Your teen does not have to agree with all of your rules. What is more important is that they understand why those are the rules. Rationals teens will agree to obey rules that make no sense to them as long as there aren’t too many of them.
On a number of occasions, I’ve had students gripe about not being paid to go to school. They comment that the teachers get paid, but they don’t, and they have to work really hard (usually the one’s saying this are the slackers, but it still has some truth to it). My response is to ask them who pays for their housing, utilities, food, clothing, and transportation. Most of them get the point before I say that those things are their salary. The point here is that teens are often a lot more reasonable than they are given credit for. Yes, they also pull amazingly bone-headed maneuvers, but that is part of maturing.
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Posted by Bella on May 12, 2008
When my children were teens I was forever asking them what they were thinking. Sometimes this led to conversations, but often they would respond "nothing" to which I could never understand. Which led to my asking many more questions trying to get a grasp on the concept of 'not thinking' Years later I spent incredible amounts of time and money reading, contemplating and taking meditatition seminars trying to understand and learn how to think of "nothing". My children had it all figured as teenagers. I am very thankful that we were able to talk all the way through their teen years and still today. As Lisa suggests relating to them as individual young adults (people) is most successful. We all want to be heard! especially when we are at a point in life when we are struggling to understand who we are and what we believe. Someone to bounce ideas around with who will not judge us for our thoughts is the best thing we can find. |
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Posted by JackDermody on May 12, 2008
Probably the hardest relationship is between parent and child. For example, Inspector Guardian parent speaks Chinese; Champion Idealist speaks French. How wonderful it would be if both could be persuaded to EAGERLY take on a Keirsey version of learning Chinese, French, and the cultures underlying them. How about a sort of after-school program at age 10 or 11 for the child? I look at my twenty- and thirty-something children today and visualize how much more intelligently I could have respected their needs – and they, mine. I was unwittingly and enormously offensive to my ISTP, to my INFP, and to my ISFJ…unwittingly believing truly that my INFP needs and values ought to influence theirs. Life doesn’t allow any do-overs, but life does support making today’s interaction valuable for now and for the future. And I do that every single, precious minute I get to spend with each one of them. |
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Posted by mkb32 on May 12, 2008
Jack, I'm shooting for pre-K learning! |
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Posted by LisaFairhurst on May 13, 2008
Jack, you're hitting on another thing I believe is true about parenting. Every parent screws their kids up. There's no way around it. I'm hoping to avoid the worst of the screw ups and hopefully even build some positive things into my children, but I'm still messing them up. ......................................................... Kip, I think some teens view their parents as stupid, nosy, and boring because their parents aren't managing to meet whatever their core need is (which is SO easy to find when they're hiding it beneath layers of suspicion). Generally speaking when parents have a strong connection with their teens, their teens view them as almost human. It's making that connection which is the difficulty. My students seldom refer to their parents in those terms. They tend to refer to specific things which bother them and which are obviously unresolved issues, at least unresolved as far as the teen is concerned. Most of my students tell me that they like at least one of their parents. That's probably different from what most people expect. |
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Posted by mkb32 on May 14, 2008
Life at my house is very different from most people's that I have observed and definitely different from any house I lived in as a teenager. My house can be noisy, cluttered, busy. The biggest difference I have observed is EVERYBODY has their own space/stuff/identity and EVERYBODY knows that their opinions, contributions (physical & otherwise) are important. There are an awful lot of pre-teens/teens and some adults that seem to want to BE at my house. I know an awful lot of "stuff" about what is going on in all of these people's lives simply because I'm around, whether I am actively participating or not. And everyone talks to/at/with me. Yes, sometimes I have to make an effort to listen because the subject matter is not as interesting to me, but the people are interesting to me. Yes, sometimes I DO kick visitors out for some peace & quiet, sometimes I just close my bedroom door. Each of us are allowed to Just Close The Door sometimes. And each of us are allowed to request undivided attention when we need it. People, including teens, talk to other people who are interested in listening. |
Of course, the fact that most of us parents are stupider, or nosier, or more boring, than their friends' parents often gets in the way of anything more than monosyllabic (from teenager) conversations. Come on - would you spend any appreciable time talking to a stupid, nosy, boring person?